As a child I remember my siblings telling me, "Na na a boo boo, stick your head in doo doo!" It usually occurred when I was chasing them and was never able to catch them. I always got the feeling of not being fast enough or good enough at what ever game we were playing. When you grow up, you realize that life seems, at times, like nothing but a successive stream of real life playground games.
After my divorce, I had a string of people enter my life that included friends and romantic interests. They provided me with the sense of belonging and family, but just as soon as they entered my life , they were gone. It seemed like none of them were around after my father died which is when I needed someone the most. These people went from liking everything I posted on social media and then, suddenly noticed nothing I contributed to the online world. People that I thought were friends would pass me in a store and pretend like they did not even know me. Could it be that people were comfortable with the happy, goofy Holly but uncomfortable with the deep thinking, hurting Holly? I began to think about how fleeting friendships can be.
My thoughts began to drift to my marriage. We spent years together being best friends and a team against the world, but in an instant, we both treated strangers better than the way we treated each other. This is probably because impropriety takes some level of comfort mixed with a pinch of disdain. No matter what I did to repair any damage to any of the relationships, it seemed people were basically telling me, "Na na a boo boo, stick your head in doo doo!" because I could never catch them and put them back in my life. I felt a thousand times worse than I did as a child though because the one thing that has been important to me is deep meaningful connections. I realized that people move on without me in their life, but I also began to understand why.
When we are all driving the interstate together, we may all be driving west, but we may need to eventually take an exit and go to a different city because we all have different destinations. When we are in high school, oftentimes our friends choose different career paths and gain a different group of more like minded friends. Conflict occurs when two people have two differing goals. Is there anything innately wrong with either individual with an opposing goal? No!
I was rejected, not because of them but because of me. There was a shift in my path, and they could no longer follow me. They had different aspirations, interests, and desires. Although I wanted them to enjoy my path with me, they had their own they needed to take. Even though, in hindsight, it had to be, it is still painful to be just an ordinary person to them, but it is necessary for us to fight our ego-centrism, live our purpose, and let others live theirs. When I decided to take this viewpoint, I realized rejection does not exist in the sense we tend to see it. Rejection occurs when two people just have two different destinies. Sometimes only one person recognizes it, and sometimes, both of you recognize it. Regardless, you must part ways to follow what you innately feel is right.
I have learned the comfort of being alone and writing my songs, poetry, essays, and blogs. Thoughts that consumed me and kept me awake at night are now released through art that I would not be able to accomplish without my solitude. So in this real life playground game, we are all winners as long as we recognize that the negatives put us on the correct path, and we refuse to allow ourselves to be the victim. To my former depressed, anxiety-ridden, and always the victim self, "Na na a boo boo, stick your head in doo doo!"